Category Archives: Comedy

My World Record Spaceflight

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My space flight yesterday smashed all world records.

Wearing an army surplus gas mask and being propelled by sky-high gas prices, I was able to launch my new garage into orbit at 7:15 MDT.

I performed several useful scientific experiments while in orbit; experiments like Does Spaghetti Stick To Walls in Outer Space? and What Happens to Gangsta Pants in Zero Gravity?

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Here you see me as I floated from the tool cabinet towards the garage door opener. A fly landed on the garage door opener and I was afraid that the door would open, sucking my expensive tools and myself out into the unknown.

My flight broke Dave Gullenex’s world record when in 1974 he and his cousin accidentally blew their garage 28 miles into the air while working on a Chevy Nova upgrade.

The reentry was smooth, but TSA frisked me upon landing at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.

Let me know if I can ever do any experiments for you when I take my storage shed to the moon in November.

To the moon, Alice! To the moon!

That’s One Scared Bat

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We only have one bat in the cave at Glenwood Caverns. And he likes to sleep next to the light in the cave.

I think he’s afraid of the dark.

When he was a baby bat his older brother probably told him stories of humans hiding in the closet ready to jump out at him if he got up to go the the bathroom, or run to the freezer to grab a pack of blueberries to eat in bed.

So he sleeps next to the light right where the noisy tourists go in and out the door.

“A BAT!” yells a little girl as she points to the ceiling. The bat wakes up, and looks around, his big ears rotating like radars. No wait, they are radars.

When his buddies return this fall they probably will ask him, “How was your summer in the cave?”

The little bat no doubt will reply, “I didn’t sleep a wink.”

Nighty night bat. Set your snooze alarm for this evening.

Barn Joke

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You’re looking at the second largest cave room in Colorado. It’s called “The Barn”, and tourists consider it one of the highlights of my guided cave tours at Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park.

One joke I like to tell at the top of the barn is when we are standing at the top of the stair steps just about to go clomping down to the bottom:

I shine my flashlight on a bench and say, “This feature is called, ‘The Bench.’ It was discovered 12 years ago by carpenters in the cave. If you don’t want do go down to the bottom of the barn (that’s 127 stair steps down, 33,685 stair steps back up) you may sit on “The Bench” and listen to the water drip until we come back up.”

Laughter.

As we head down the stairs, I invariably will see someone who decides to sit out the walk on “The Bench.”

“Practical joke” takes on a new meaning on my tours.

I love sitting here and listening to the water drip in the cave. I wonder if the people on my tour are having a nice time down there without me.

My First Sunburn

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During the past two days, my wife and I spent our 25th wedding anniversary at the historic Hotel Colorado in Glenwood Springs, Colorado.

We were sent there compliments of our children (Thanks, kids!)

On our way to the Hot Springs Pool a couple stopped us and handed me free passes to the pool. Woo hoo! So Marti my wife, and I went on the water slide as a celebration. Marti sat out the second ride, and I went alone.

“I didn’t hear you scream on the way down,” she said to me afterwards.

“I’ll do it again, and scream in German,” I replied.

The third time I went down the waterslide, I screamed as loud as I could in German. “Ach du lieber! Dis ist nicht gut! Aaaaaagh, heir kommt die krankwagon! Schnell, dumkopf! Aaaaaagh!”

When I came out the end of the tube and splashed into the pool, I looked up. A Japanese lady was videotaping me.

That didn’t make me turn red as much as the glowing sunburn I had that night.

One more thing. I think the pool attendant was an exchange student from Germany.

Hottest July on Record

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Global warming, global cooling, forest fires, mudflows, beetle infestations, and incredibly stinky feet. This has been the summer of 2012.

I’ve heard from more than one source that this has been

“…the hottest July on record.”

That can’t be right.

There are fossilized palm trees in Siberia.

Evidently, Siberia had enough warm summers to support palm trees, water slides, and expensive sunscreen displays.

“Jerry, that was not ‘on record’,” you might say. “Those are fossils.”

In response to that, I have two words.

“Fossil Record.”

People either have to stop saying “This has been the hottest July on Record,” or they have to stop calling it “The Fossil Record.”

I don’t care which way it goes.

The whole matter could be settled between environmentalists, and paleontologists with a thumb wrestling war. Winner takes all.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to book a waterpark vacation in Siberia.