Tag Archives: deer

Clumsy Deer

Posted on by
Reply

As a species, deer are thought to be some of the most graceful animals on earth. They adorn paintings, book illustrations, and murals around the world, usually holding a graceful, stately pose. I’m here to put a kibosh on all that nonsense.

I was driving into Carbondale, Colorado, the number one place in the world where deer give you that “deer in the headlights” look. It was first light of the morning. You know, the kind of light where you are rousted out of cabin #13 at camp and made to do jumping jacks under the flag pole where some happy camper stole the camp director’s swim trunks, soaked them, froze them flat in the camp freezer, and ran them up the flag pole at midnight, making them look like a stiff, faded, green flag; and knowing all the while that the camp director would be asleep while we all did windmills and pushups with the chickens.

As I slowed down for the city limit, a small herd of deer ran across the road in front of me. Did I mention that the road was pure ice? “Black Ice” as we call it here in Colorado.

At the back of the pack came the big stately buck deer. The dad. The male. The one that protects the herd, and provides the example for all the little deer to follow. I came to a dead stop, so the buck could cross in front of me.

The buck jumped the fence, headed for the road, and looked up just in time to see that he was going to hit the side of my car if he didn’t change course. Being a deer, he should be able to gracefully bound to the side, and be gone in the flash of his tail, mooning me like an angry Scotchman in a Mel Gibson movie.

Instead, he put on his brakes, and slid on all four hooves across the icy road, back peddling with a wild look in his eyes. He slid about 10 feet, fell in a heap, and slid into the car at full speed. (He should play for the Detroit Redwings, or some other lame hockey team.)

The whole scene only lasted for a few seconds, then the buck was up, spinning his wheels as he went tearing off the road to catch up with a pack of laughing female deer.

It wouldn’t have been so strange if it hadn’t happened right in front of the Division of Wildlife office and Employee Headquarters. You’d think they could control their animals a little better than that.

How to Spank a Mountain Lion

Posted on by
2

Get up at 5am while it’s still dark out.  Put on your work pants and climb into your Subaru. Drive down a dirt road high in the Colorado Rockies and turn right onto the blacktop county road. 

Watch for rocks rolling down off of the hillside, deer standing on the road, geese at the edge of the road, ice on the curves, and Marble quarry workers driving upvalley on the wrong side of the road.

When you get to Bogan Flats campground, group site, notice something running up the steep embankment at high speed on a collision course with your car. Step firmly, and without panic on your brakes, hoping that it won’t be a big splat. 

As your car deaccelerates to about 3 m.p.h. notice that the animal directly in front of your grill is an adult mountain lion, running for his life. 

Because you had not been able to come to a complete stop yet, bump the mountain lion on his keister and watch him stumble, like a football player who almost got tackled, but didn’t quite fall to the ground.

As the lion regains his balance and jets up the hill side into the dark timber, roll your window down and look at the tracks he left in the snow at the edge of the road.

When your heartrate goes back down below 190, put the car in gear and continue your morning commute to work. You just spanked a mountain lion with your Subaru. Good morning from Marble, Colorado.