Don’t ever do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on a Venus Fly Trap. That is, unless it is still in the plastic protective planter that you buy at the store.

I’m 51 years old, and I’ve never owned a Venus Fly trap. It’s not like our Amish neighbors raised acres and acres of Venus Fly Traps on their neighboring farms in Indiana. Rather, we had the smell of cows, pigs, turkeys, and horses coming from the neighbors. The kind of critters that attract flies

So I’m in the grocery store with two of my young sons. The flower lady gives a cool demonstration of how the fly traps work. My sons are in awe, and I’m drooling on the plants at the thought of hundreds of flies dying in these quiet little death traps. I can just imagine a Venus Fly Trap with about 80 flies in its stomach, looking like a fat, green Santa Claus. So we bought a plant.

At 8500 ft. elevation, and 10 percent humidity, these Fly Traps really take it in the shorts. They die quickly, and when they are alive, they open slowly-real slowly. The instructions on the outside of the plastic cover say, 65-85 degrees Fahrenheit, and 50% humidity…hence the idea to give the plants mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I mean, come on, your breath is way warmer than 60 degrees, and the humidity from your lungs has got to be more than 10%. So I decided to give the little suckers a few puffs, sort of like when you do on Recussa Annie, the CPR mannequin.

I don’t think the American Red Cross would approve of mouth-to-mouth on a Venus Fly Trap, but I could write the manual on it.

Don’t think for a minute that I put my lips on those hairy little guys. I simply blew into the can through the holes on the top of the lid. And I blew. And I huffed, and I puffed. I was getting kind of lightheaded. I wanted the empty plants to open up so I could watch the live fly go waltzing in and get creamed. I was on my knees on the floor, with my lips on the lid when my 8 year old son walked into the room.

“What are you doing, Dad?”

“Giving mouth-to-mouth to the Fly Traps,” I replied, not missing a beat, and giving the recommended 12 breaths per minute.

He just walked out of the room without a reply.

I sat up and thought to myself, “This would look pretty strange to the average person, but apparently not to my family.”

Did the Venus Fly Trap mouth-to-mouth resuscitation work? I don’t think so. Maybe it’s because their little tummies are full, and they know when to push away from the table.