Tag Archives: cave

UFOs in the Cave

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If you take  cave tour with me at Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park, you will see these signs in various places. I’m not exactly sure what they mean.

At first I thought they meant “No bloody hands in the cave.”

I realized that the owners wouldn’t put stuff on the tours which would scare kids, so I concluded that the sign meant “Don’t cut your hand on the stalactites.” That almost made sense until I realized that the picture is not of a human hand.

It is obviously the hand of some mutant creature from another planet. It’s unearthly.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that the sign means,”Don’t cut your alien fingers in the cave.”

Ever since then, I’ve been looking for traces of UFOs in the cave.

I’ve noticed the Sharpshooter photographers acting a little odd lately.

The lights are acting weird in Kings Row, and the bat is a little rambunctious lately.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check out those stalactites. I think behind them I see a set of antennas

Spanktites

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Matt and I were discussing the new cave tour for next year:

“We will probably put in switches along the way so the tour guide can turn off lights behind the group,” said Matt. “That way the guides can keep the tour moving along,” he beamed.

“I’ve got a better idea,” I replied. “Why don’t we grow some Spanktites in the cave?”

“What are ‘Spanktites?” Matt wanted to know.

“They’re like Stalagmites, and Stalactites, only they grow horizontally,” I answered. “The Spanktites could be spring loaded to swat the lollygaggers in the parotid,” I offered.

Matt wasn’t real sure if we should be artificially growing things in the cave. The spanking part didn’t seem to bother him, though.

I thought it was all better than the “Impale-tites” I was going suggest.

I’ve got a few months to work out the bugs.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get a pliers to bend some stalactites.

`

What It Takes to be a Cave Tour Guide

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In case you were wondering, not everybody can be a cave tour guide. It takes a special sort of person, and I’m sort of extra special. Don’t try this at home:

Last week, I showed up for work with no lunch, no lunch money, and no breakfast. Don’t feel sorry for me, though. I have resources, and like the Jews in the wilderness, my manna comes daily. It just looks a little crazier.

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I got to work a half hour early. For breakfast, I had a bag of microwave popcorn, a boatload of baked beans (left over from ‘the big private party at the caverns the night before), and several glasses of free Coca Cola. Now THAT’S a breakfast!

And you wonder why your cave tour guide is smiling when he shows up. He’s just eaten 15 ounces of baked beans, and he’s going to walk through the cave ahead of you.

Yeah, being a cave tour guide is not for wussies.

I just wish this passageway was not so small.

Parenting Underground

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You wouldn’t believe some of the families that go on my cave tours. The children are a wreck. Not only does the child run the family, they also try to run my tour.

Can you imagine a grown man letting a 5 yr. old take command of a 28 person tour? I don’t let  them.

At the beginning of my tours with rambunctious children, I ask the parents to keep the restless ones near the back of the tour. That way, if the child remains fussy, they can leave the tour easily.

But what happens sometimes, is that the mom will hold the crying child right in front of me, between the rest of the tour and myself. She will look at me and listen to my talk while her child wails. She is completely oblivious to the child’s screams, and the looks on the faces of the tour group show complete disgust.

Other tour guides look at me in horror when I say that I’ve kicked people off of my tour. “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I can’t talk over the sound of your child. I’ll have to ask you to leave, and maybe we can try this another time.”

One time I did that, and the lady walked about 20 feet away, and stood there with her child screaming. The lady was still trying to listen to my talk. I stopped the tour again and said, “Really, I need you to go.” She slunk away with her still disruptive child.

When I have a kid like that on my tour, and other guides ask, “how was your tour?”, I tell them that I had a “T.W.” along for the ride.

“T.W.” stands for “Tour Wrecker”. When a Tour Wrecker comes along, you don’t get tips at the end of the tour. Even if you booted the little rascal out the door, people are left with a bad taste in their mouth, and aren’t the least bit generous to the guide at the end of the session.

Some guides put up with T.W.s, and just try to get through the 70 minute tour alive. But if the guide really cared about the group, and not just avoiding confrontation, we’d have more parents learning that their family needs to be socially gracious out in public.

There’s one group of people that I’ve never had even the slightest problem with as far as their children are concerned. Their kids stand quietly, listening and looking at the guide, and enjoying the cave. Perhaps the lazy parents should have their children spend some time with these other folks.

Who are these “other folks”? That would be the Amish.