The illegal immigration problem (Oh, so you don’t think it’s a problem, but you think global warming is?) is an easy fix.  I have two ways to do it. One is funny, the other is serious. You pick the best way… 

The serious way:  Completely close off the southern border. Then stop chasing down illegals. That will save us lots of money.  When an illegal IS arrested, first, make them work on the fence for 6 months before deporting them. That will also save us lots of money.  Minutemen could guard the illegal fence builders. This would dovetail nicely with Obama’s service to the nation that he’s proposing. Rednecks would love to be issued M-16s and watch over people who stole jobs from their cousin Roy in the "jobs Americans don’t want to do" catagory.

Along with the deportee, Uncle Sam would send a bill for all of the healthcare, and other bennies that were used by the illegal. Mexico could pass the bill on to the family. Since that would be a burden on the family, sending dad, cousin, grandpa, mom, or any other person up here would become something to really ponder.

With the border closed, and after one generation dies off, viola! No more illegals! I call this method the "Winning Through Attrition" immigration reform. It’s hard to argue with time.

The funny way to solve the immigration problem:  Make everyone who doesn’t look like they were born in the United States (they may drive cars with big Mexican flag decals on them) speak English with a strong Bronx accent.  You don’t have to even close down the border. Although you will still have illegal aliens everywhere, at least they will all speak English.  This would really help with the work, and social situations in the U.S. For example, I could go into a gas station in Denver, and buy fuel while actually conversing with the attendant.

In order to learn Bronx English, Mexicans could watch Bugs Bunny cartoons prior to coming to the United States. This would definately help the cartooning industry, except for the bootlegging industry. Hopefully, Bugs Bunny cartoons wouldn’t be bootlegged in China and we’d hear Bugs say "Mayvee, I shood have taking a weft at Ahvaquerque" instead of "Ehhh! Maybe I shoulda takin’ a left at Owbaqoikee!" In any event, having Mexicans speaking in a Bronx accent would not only be helpful, we’d really enjoy our conversations with our guest workers.

Pick whichever tactic you prefer.  I’ll support you in either one. This reminds me of a recent incident: I picked up a Hispanic hitchhiker headed toward Denver the other day. I asked him where he was going.  He said he was headed up toward Fresno to meet up with his brother.  I told him that we were headed toward Denver, and that Fresno was about another thousand miles in the other direction.  He look thoughtful for a moment, then replied, "Ya know, maybe I shoulda taken a left turn at Owbaqoikee!"

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