Category Archives: Global Whining

Off the Grid

Posted on by
Reply

DSCN0260

For a guy who makes fun of global warming, you’d think I wouldn’t have all of this renewable energy at my house.

With wind and solar energy being my  only source of electricity, and passive solar and a wood stove my choice of heat, I’m an enigma to a lot of people I know.

No, we didn’t get rebates, tax credits, or any government help when putting up our system. As a matter of fact, the government just makes it harder to do a renewable energy system. (But we can talk about that another time.)

Our tracking system for the solar panels is gas operated, and uses no electricity. The kids love “hanging on the panels” like playing on a swing, to move them on cold mornings. A bucket of rocks is faster and easier.

My son Caleb, and I installed the entire system by ourselves. It works beautifully, running a well pump, computers, and lights all over the house and garage.

Come by sometime for a tour. We’d love to show you how you can lead the way in your community using alternative energy sources.

This has nothing at all to do with global warming.

Hottest July on Record

Posted on by
Reply

DSCN1765

Global warming, global cooling, forest fires, mudflows, beetle infestations, and incredibly stinky feet. This has been the summer of 2012.

I’ve heard from more than one source that this has been

“…the hottest July on record.”

That can’t be right.

There are fossilized palm trees in Siberia.

Evidently, Siberia had enough warm summers to support palm trees, water slides, and expensive sunscreen displays.

“Jerry, that was not ‘on record’,” you might say. “Those are fossils.”

In response to that, I have two words.

“Fossil Record.”

People either have to stop saying “This has been the hottest July on Record,” or they have to stop calling it “The Fossil Record.”

I don’t care which way it goes.

The whole matter could be settled between environmentalists, and paleontologists with a thumb wrestling war. Winner takes all.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to book a waterpark vacation in Siberia.

Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoes

Posted on by
Reply

Now that global warming is in full swing, it’s time for all citizens of the world to do their part. Time is of the essence, as they say. So in the spirit of rescuing the planet from certain catastrophe, I have GOOD NEWS to share with my readers. I am now selling Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoes. These snowshoes will not fix the world’s problem of global warming, but they will “soften the blow, and spread the wealth” as we say in our marketing department. Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoes are a piece of paper that you buy from me which states that I won’t do a certain carbon emitting thing for a stated period of time, and you will be able to do the infraction stated on the snowshoe.  

By buying my Carbon Footprint Snowshoes, you can do the things that burden your conscience, as far as producing CO2 goes, and I will NOT do certain CO2 producing things, like wearing lipstick, for the specified period of time. This arrangement will ease your conscience and make me a wealthy man. 

The snowshoes are available in all sizes, and will fit all budgets. See the price list below for Carbon Footprint Snowshoes to fit YOUR needs!

2009 Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoe Price Schedule:

$19.95- The Snowshoe Hairy Conniptious Fit- 
I won’t turn on the subfloor heat in my house for 2 weeks. In exchange, you get to drive to the mall, buy 3 items made in China, and drink a Starbucks coffee. If the temperature dips below 35 degrees Farenheit in my house, you may need to buy my extended Snowshoe Warranty for $9.98 plus tax.

$49.95- Tweety Bird Special-
My family will eat organic oatmeal daily for 4 weeks straight. In return, you get to watch TV for 22 hours straight while laying in bed with the electric blanket turned on to “6”. In addition, you will be allowed to toast an entire loaf of bread during the 22 hours.

$198.95- The Two-faced Special-
I will give up flying first class to Germany,Helsinki, and Florida for one year. In return, you get to leave the lights on for one year when you leave your second home to attend climate summits and political rallies. In addition, you get to idle your car for up to one hour on the 2 days of your choice.

$599.98-Yeti-
I will lay in bed at night with ALL of the lights off for 3 years, not including leap years. You get to travel by either cruise ship,airliner, or Formula One race car to 3 different continents.

$7998.95-Oh Mama! 
My family will give up caviar, helium balloons from Russia, lightning bug festivals, and hip hop concerts for life. In exchange, you may eat caviar, buy helium balloons from Russia, attend lightning bug festivals, and wreck yourself at hip hop concerts for life.

$200,000,000,000.00-The Two Hundred Billion Dollar Snowshoe-
This is probably the best deal in the Carbon Footprint Snowshoe line. For this low price, I will keep all of the islands of the world from sinking, prevent hurricanes, tornadoes, and locust plagues, ensure that there is no famine, war, or drought, and cause harmony to ring throughout the land. Act now, and I will throw in this nifty potato peeler. 

Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoes are sure to be a hot item this Christmas. They make great stocking stuffers and are more ecofriendly than a lump of coal. In addition, we have the lowest prices on the web for carbon offset credits. Our prices can’t be beat. Not by any carbon traders in the world.  
So if you are looking to ease your conscience, or just want to get back to the good old days of indulgences, look no farther than Uncle Jerry’s Carbon Footprint Snowshoes. They’re hip, they’re helpful, and if everybody bought some, I’d be a rich man.

(This blog was printed on 100% post organic digital VGA formatted glass.)